My Life had stood - a Loaded Gun
You might say that my paintings have interesting names. The names I give them often reference a line in a poem, a book, or a lyric in a song. The names I give my paintings hint at the meaning behind my paintings - the emotion I am portraying. I work from images - sourced from anywhere really, but I also create my own images via photographs and film stills. The image I work from to create my painting has already imbued an emotion in me - otherwise, I would not have painted it. This is not the case of “what came first, the chicken or the egg?”, this is the case of 1) there’s an image that imbues an emotion; 2) then there’s the painting I create using techniques and colour to further imbue emotion; and 3) the name I give it to solidify what I felt.
“My Life had stood - a Loaded Gun”, Acrylic on canvas, ready to hang.
Here we have perhaps a more unusual one - “My Life had stood - a Loaded Gun” - although it is absolutely “usual” that I will use a line from one of Emily Dickinson’s poems. Emily’s meaning behind her poems is normally quite ambiguous, so I can only read her poems and guess at their nature - much the same as your guesswork when you look at one of my paintings, or indeed anyone’s paintings - and this is something I really love about poetry and art.
When I came across the original image that informed this painting this is what I saw; 1) the model is rising to the surface which to me speaks of positive change; 2) the model’s outstretched arms were reminiscent of crucifixion, iconography that is repeated time again in early art history to spread biblical teachings, and even if you’re not Christian you probably have an understanding of the story of what happened to Christ after the crucifixion; but 3) this “Christ” is a woman, and we all know that Christianity is built upon patriarchal beliefs, perhaps her outstretched arms are just a gesture of a demure woman?
This is where my painting comes in - I’m a lover of contradictions! I’ve painted my woman in a red dress, which means she’s sassy. She might be pretending to be demure at that moment, but red is the colour of heightened emotion, strength and power. It’s invigorating, intimidating, never boring, and certainly never demure. All around her there are exploding movements through the water and explosive colours. The unique and bold pose rising to the surface celebrates freedom with confidence and encourages women to live braver lives. Through drips and splashes of paint, I evoke that freedom. I have also used vibrant colours and a stark contrast to communicate confidence.
So my painting is about a woman, who has risen, she’s strong and powerful, she knows how to work the system, and she is moving on to better things. Beyond that, this painting of her is preserved for eternity in a museum-quality fine art acrylic painting, painted by a woman, at a time when over the last decade only 11% of acquisitions at US Museums were of work by woman-identifying artists. Source: Burns Halperin Report “Museums have said time and again that they want to diversify their programs. But for a long time, progress was only measured anecdotally—an exhibition here, a press release there…we found that—often to their own surprise—museums were failing to meet the moment.”
Basically, this painting is a “FU Christianity/Patriarchy/inequality/and inequity in the art world - we women are strong, we persevere, we dream of change, and we’re still fighting”.
This brings me back to Emily Dickinson’s poem “My Life had stood - a Loaded Gun”. Emily existed and wrote poetry during the Nineteenth-century - when attitudes about the expected role of women were such that a woman's art was taken as an affront to cultural values and norms. If you read her poem with this in mind, and compliment your readings with her other poems, particularly “It was not death, for I stood up”, you might recognise as I did her determined confidence and profound rage.
I named this painting after this line in Emily’s poem because her poem spoke to me of the relationship between the poet and her art, and myself and my art, and a woman and her passion and rage. Her first stanza reads:
My Life had stood - a Loaded Gun -
In Corners - till a Day
The Owner passed - identified -
And carried Me away.
Translated: My life felt like it was a loaded gun, unused and set aside in a corner until one day the gun's owner came in, noticed me there and took me away.
My literal translation of that, in the context of my life: I didn’t start to live until I was able to realise my desire to make art - I had put it aside for so long because either I was not allowed to make art or I didn’t have the time to make art. How does the poem relate back to my painting and my life? My sassy lady nods to the past (disallowed to make art/demure arms/loaded gun unused and set aside), but rises to a passionate, free, and vibrant life (set free of restraints/inner rage noticed/taken to freedom through art).
If you’re interested in this poem go here: LitCharts Link to read the summary and analysis of Emily Dickinson’s poem “My Life had stood - a Loaded Gun”.
If you are interested in this painting you can find it here.
Acrylic on canvas, ready to hang. 184cm W x 122.5cm H x 4cm D. This painting is painted using professional artist acrylic paints and mediums from Matisse, Golden, and Liquitex Professional Spray Paint. Golden Self Levelling Medium has been painted onto the canvas prior to painting the image - creating texture and an impression of movement to the surface of the painting. The painting is finished with a Satin Varnish which protects the surface.
